R.I.P. The Internet

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R.I.P. The Internet

Align:start WELCOME, WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, EVERYBODY. I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. YOU KNOW, DONALD TRUMP — [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH. SAY HELLO TO JEAN-BAPTISTE RIGHT THERE AND THE WHOLE BAND. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Stephen: THAT OUTFIT IS AMAZING. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE WRAPPED FOR CHRISTMAS YOURSELF RIGHT THERE. >> YES. >> Stephen: I LIKE THE TURTLENECK, IT IS VERY PAUL NEWMAN. >> I HAVE GOT TO DO IT AND STAY CLASSY. >> Stephen: WHAT IS HAPPENING? OH, DONALD TRUMP, DONALD TRUMP AS WE KNOW OUR PRESIDENT LIKES TO STAY BUSY LOOKING. AND TODAY HE HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE WHERE HE BRAGGED ABOUT ALL OF THE REGULATIONS HE IS CUTTING AND CELEBRATED WITH A TWEET. IN 1960, THERE WERE APPROXIMATELY 20,000 PAGES IN THE CODE OF FEDERAL REGULATIONS. TODAY THERE ARE OVER 185,000 PAGES.

TODAY, WE CUT THE RED TAPE. IT IS TIME TO SET FREE OUR DREAMS! >> WELL, I DON’T KNOW, I DON’T KNOW ABOUT “FREE OUR DREAMS” BUT ABOUT A YEAR AGO, I DID SEND MY DREAMS TO LIVE ON A FARM UPSTATE. THEY ARE HAPPIER THERE. AND HE ATTACHED A VIDEO OF HIMSELF IN THE ROOSEVELT ROOM CELEBRATING BY CUTTING THROUGH A GIANT RED RIBBON. CAN WE SEE THAT FROM ANOTHER ANGLE? SO ON THE LEFT THERE, THE BOTTOM LEFT YOU HAVE GOT 1960’S REGULATIONS AND THE RIBBON IS A GRAPH SHOWING THEM RISING TOWARD TODAY, BUT IT’S ALSO REPRESENTING GOVERNMENT RED TAPE, AND AN ACTUAL CEREMONIAL RED RIBBON THAT HE IS CUTTING TO OFFICIALLY OPEN THE IDEA OF IT ENDING ITSELF.

APPARENTLY, HE IS ELIMINATING THE DEPARTMENT OF VISUAL METAPHORS AS WELL. SPEAKING OF ENDING REGULATIONS, DOES ANYBODY HERE USE THE INTERNET? ANYBODY? YEAH, OKAY. IF YOU DON’T, IT’S GREAT. YOU SHOULD GOOGLE IT. IT IS FANTASTIC. BUT IT’S A SAD DAY FOR US WEB KATERRS, THE UNINTER-NAUTS, BECAUSE EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON THE FCC VOTED TO REPEAL NET NEUTRALITY. >> WHAT THAT REALLY MEANS REPEALING REGULATIONS THAT PREVENTED YOUR INTERNET PROVIDER FROM BLOCKING CERTAIN WEBSITES OR SLOWING DOWN YOUR DATA. NOW THEY CAN. AND THAT’S WRONG. BECAUSE THE ONLY THING THAT SHOULD SLOW YOUR INTERNET SPEED IS THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE ALSO SITTING AT STARBUCKS WORKING ON THEIR SCREEN PLAYS. YES. THANK YOU. UNTIL THIS AFTERNOON, THE RULES PROHIBITED BROADBAND PROVIDERS FROM STRIKING SPECIAL DEALS THAT WOULD GIVE SOME WEBSITES OR APPS PRIORITY OVER OTHERS.

SO NOW A BIG PLAYER LIKE GOOGLE COULD MAKE THEIR SITE LOAD FASTER THAN A SMALLER ONE LIKE ETSY WHICH IS BAD NEWS FOR MY ETSY SHOP, STEVE’S SLEEVES. SOME PEOPLE SELL SHIRTS WITH THE SLEEVES CUT OFF. STEVE EASELS SLEEVES WITH THE SHIRTS CUT OFF. STEVE’S SLEEVES, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO NOT BARE ARMS. NOW, STEVE’S SLEEVES FANS, RIGHT THERE. STEVE’S SLEEVES. BY KILLING NET NEUTRALITIES, INTERNET PROVIDERS CAN BASICALLY DO WHATEVER THEY WANT, AS LONG AS THEY DISCLOSE TO THEIR USERS WHAT EXACTLY THEY DO TO WEB TRAFFIC.

Align:end SO GET READY FOR MORE FINE PRINT FROM YOUR INTERNET PROVIDER. AT LEAST YOU WILL HAVE SOMETHING TO READ WHILE YOU WAIT FOR WEBSITES TO LOAD. BUT DON’T WORRY, FOLKS, BIG COMPANIES LIKE VERIZON AND COMCAST, WHO HAVE SPENT MILLIONS OF DOLLARS LOBBYING TO BE ABLE TO BLOCK, SLOW DOWN OR PRIORITIZE ANY WEB TRAFFIC ARE ASSURING THEIR CUSTOMERS THAT THEY DO NOT INTEND TO BLOCK, SLOW DOWN OR PRIORITIZE ANY WEB TRAFFIC. ALSO, THE SHARK LOBBY SAYS, THEY DON’T INTEND TO EAT PEOPLE, EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE SPENT MILLIONS LOBBYING TO VIRTUAL THEIR MOUTHS RECLASSIFIED AS SLEEPING BAGS.

Align:start THIS IS WHAT IS CO, IT LOOKS COZY IN THERE. THIS IS A REAL HOT BUTTON ISSUE, AS EVIDENCED BY THE FACT THAT THE FCC RECEIVED 22 MILLION PUBLIC COMMENTS, BUT AN INVESTIGATION HAS REVEALED AS MANY AS 2 MILLION OF THOSE COMMENTS WERE FAKE AND HALF A — HALF A MILLION ORIGINATED FROM RUSSIAN E-MAIL ADDRESSES. COME ON, RUSSIA, CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE AMERICA ALONE? GO RIG THE WINNER OF NORWAY’S GOT TALENT OR SOMETHING. BUT THE FCC WANTS YOU TO BELIEVE KILLING NET NEUTRALITY IS A GOOD IDEA, SO THEY SENT OUT FCC CHAIRMAN AND BIG AND TALL TOOTH MODEL, AJIT PAI.

AND PAI PUT OUT A VIDEO CALLED SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN STILL DO ON THE INTERNET AFTER NET NEUTRALITY TO SHOW ALL THE COOL MILLENNIALS OUT THERE THAT DEREGULATION IS SUPER LIT. HERE ARE JUST A FEW OF THE THINGS YOU WILL STILL BE ABLE TO DO ON THE INTERNET AFTER THESE OBAMA ERA REGULATIONS ARE REPEALED. YOU CAN STILL GRAM YOUR FOOD. YOU CAN STILL SHOP FOR ALL OF YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS ONLINE. YEAH. GOT A BULK DEAL ON FIDGET SPINNERS. YOU CAN STILL DRIVE YOUR FAVORITE MESSAGES RIGHT INTO THE GROUND. AND, YOU KNOW, AS A WEALTHY MIDDLE-AGED MAN WHO BENEFITS WHEN GIANT MEDIA CORPORATIONS GET THEIR WAY, I JUST WANT TO ADD, — REPEALING NET NEUTRALITY IS TOTALLY WOKE, MY CHICKEN NUGGET TEENS. SZECHUAN SAUCE, AVOCADO SELFIE. I THINK WHAT I SAID MEANS SOMETHING.

OF COURSE –.